When I was in eighth grade, I had this classmate named Shawna Moody. I wasn’t really friends with her, but we had lockers on the same floor, and we were in Spanish class together. So, we talked, sometimes.
Shawna was pale and freckly, with long red hair and bright blue eyes. She was also a little chubby — but definitely not fat. Shawna liked to wear clothes from Hot Topic, Converse or Doc Martens, and thick eyeliner, although I wouldn’t say she was a goth. She actually had an effervescent personality, and her social life was fascinatingly dramatic.
Each day, in our Spanish class, rather than pay attention to our teacher (Señora McDonald), Shawna would gossip with the girl who sat next to her, Tonya, and spill the scintillating details of her existence — details which I, sitting right behind them, gobbled up, like the socially starved gay nerd I was.
Shawna didn’t know it at the time, but she was iconic to me. I was really shy and self-conscious at that time in my life, so I didn’t try to make friends with her. But, I was a big fan, and an especially big appreciator of her artistic talents.
This was because, first semester, before the two of us were even in Spanish class together, I started to notice Shawna’s one-of-a-kind signature, on her artwork and school projects that her teachers had hung in the hallways.
Huge and prominent on all of her works, the signature started with a beautifully swoopy S, which gave way to a smaller and more modest h-a-w-n-a, and then became grandiose again, with the M. The rest of the letters were as small and modest as before, except for the Y, whose tail lassoed around the entire name, forming a heart at its tip, right at the top of the name.
It was a masterpiece. It was like John Hancock–meets–Lisa Frank–meets–Banksy. And you could not miss it, going down that hallway.
Shawna varied the colors she filled the heart in with, but the signature always remained the same. It was unforgettable — and a brilliant exercise in branding.
Social media wasn’t a thing back then, although AOL Instant Messenger — popularly known as “AIM” — was. And, AIM profiles and away messages were definitely vital ways to showcase your personality (especially with the perfect song lyrics, to encapsulate the emotional torrents you were going through). But AIM was still a new frontier, at that point. A lot of kids’ families didn’t have internet — or even computers — yet. So for all intents and purposes, the middle school hallway was your timeline. It was the showcase.
And Shawna Moody was dominating it.
Aside from her iconic signature, I also admired the finesse and joie de vivre Shawna brought to her life.
One great display came partway through the school year, when the father of one of our classmates, Kara Kawasaki, died of cancer. It was really sad. Kara, who was a shy, bookish girl before his death, turned emo afterwards (hot emo though), wearing dark clothes and eyeliner, and putting Jimmy Eat World lyrics in her away messages. Shawna and her friend Tonya, from our Spanish class, were both friends with Kara, so they were allowed to go to his funeral, which took place during the school day.
Just like those social media posts about jauntily showing up late for work with a fresh Starbucks, Shawna and Tonya returned to school from the funeral, midway through Spanish class, in grand style, carrying soda cups from the sub shop D’Angelo, and laughing up a storm — completely interrupting Señora McDonald’s lesson (that poor woman had zero control over the class).
“We had the best lunch,” Shawna said to Tonya, giving her that iykyk look, for the benefit of the rest of the class, as she took a big sip out of her Coke.
Flashing a smile of her own, Tonya gave Shawna a high-five, and they took their seats, continuing to ignore Señora McDonald, as they raved on about their D’Angelo moment.
The entire thing was like a fucking D’Angelo commercial. Just casually coming back from their friend’s dad’s funeral, after having had the. time. of. their. lives. at a fast-casual sandwich shop. It was brazen and morbid, and I loved it. Easy-breezy, effortless, funereal fun!
The most fascinating part of Shawna’s arc, though, was undoubtedly when she started dating another iconic “indie” student at our school — Christopher McGuire. Christopher, too, was well-known like Shawna. He was a theater kid, and could be reliably found in the hallway between classes, hamming it up with his fellow theatricals.
As far as I was concerned, though, there was one big problem with Shawna dating Christopher. I mean, surely, you have already begun to pick up on it. Theater kid? Going by Chrissstopher, instead of Chris? That’s right, you guessed it — Christopher was a massive homosexual (with a delicious li’l lisp to match!).
Shawna? Oblivious.
Underneath it all, Shawna Moody was undoubtedly an ally. Her b.f.f. Tonya? Total tomboy, soccer-playing lesbian. She probably definitely could have kicked my ass. And Shawna had plenty of other gay friends at our school, too.
Like many female allies early on in their lives, however, Shawna suffered from a particularly awful case of what is known as fruit blindness — romantically attracted to gays, like a moth to a flame, yet utterly impervious to their gayness. Blissfully ignorant, and simply thrilled to have a boyfriend who is so creative and sensitive and thoughtful — and who doesn’t pressure her into sex. And, who wouldn’t ever think of looking at another girl!
Oh, honey.
Some of these girls figure it out in college; others, when their husband comes out to them and asks for a divorce after 20 years of marriage. But, regardless of when it happens, all of these women have to endure a truly cringeworthy series of disappointments and embarrassments before they see the light. Then, they emerge on the other end of it as lifelong fag hags; for, despite all that they have gone through, their love for the gays is eternal.
And, on that score, Christopher McGuire would offer Shawna a mortifying initiation into her fag hag journey.
For the first couple days of their relationship, things went great. Shawna and Christopher were the talk of the eighth grade — and undoubtedly, the premier indie couple at our school.
They held court together at the other end of the skater kids’ table, in the cafeteria. Shawna’s brown paper bag textbook covers were covered in hearts and Christopher’s name, as well as an exciting new iteration of her iconic signature — this time featuring both of their names. They performatively checked in on each other, each time they passed each other in the hallways, so that everyone could witness their love. There was even talk of dates at the South Shore Plaza.
Unfortunately, though — as with most middle school relationships — things went south between Shawna and Christopher, fast.
You see, Christopher had this very close male friend, Philip. The two of them often wrote long notes to each other, and left them on each other’s lockers — which definitely wasn’t gay at all. And, as it turned out, Christopher and Philip liked to gossip, too.
You’re shocked, right?
Shock was what Shawna felt, one Friday morning, when she discovered one of Christopher’s notes to Philip, on the floor of the hallway. Figuring she was doing her new boyfriend a solid by making sure his friend got his note, Shawna picked it up, to put it on Philip’s locker.
A little bit curious, and assuming it was just a funny note between two boys, Shawna decided there was no harm in reading what the note said.
It read:
GUESS WHAT? I’M FINALLY DATING THAT PORPOISE SEAL SHAWNA MURPHY
Underneath it was a drawing of a giant seal, with Shawna’s face.
Holy gay bitch, Batman!
Naturally, Shawna was devastated — but not cowed. She showed the note to Tonya during Spanish class, and they agreed that Shawna would publicly confront Christopher about it, in the hallway, after class was over.
Overhearing this all, my suspicions about Christopher were confirmed. The cunty note? The fat shaming? Clearly, the hallmarks of a Mean Girl Gay. There was so much else I wanted to know, though!
First: what is a porpoise seal? Is that, like, a cross between a porpoise and a seal? Don’t those things usually get names like “sorpoise,” or something? Or: is porpoise supposed to be, like, an adjective, there? As in, using “porpoise” as a synonym for fat? If so, brilliant and playful use of language, Christopher! Also: you’re “finally” dating that porpoise seal? So, you mean you’re happy about all this? Then why are you slagging her off behind her back to your gay lover? Talk about mixed signals, Christopher! And Dr. Freud would have a lot to say about where you left that note — it’s almost like you wanted Shawna to find it!
It was hilarious and confusing, and very sad for Shawna. She couldn’t have been too embarrassed, though, as she proceeded to tell several other girls around her about her discovery of the note and its contents — virtually assuring the story would spread like wildfire.
I suspected Shawna was more thrilled at the impending drama and scandal it would bring than anything else, a belief which was confirmed when Shawna and Tonya went to accost Christopher, at the end of the school day. Shawna knew her angles well, and staged the scene for maximum effect.
I watched from the other side of the hallway, as Shawna and Tonya approached Christopher, wordlessly. Shawna slowly unfolded the note, revealing its contents to Christopher. As a big crowd looked on, he confessed, instantly. I didn’t hear exactly what was said, beyond that, as the bell began to ring, and the run to the school bus was officially on. But, it was clear that Shawna had broken up with him, as she and Tonya walked away defiantly, in an I-am-woman-hear-me-roar kind of way.
The whole scene could have been set to that song, “Teenage Dirtbag,” by Wheatus. It was incredible. I was really proud of Shawna.
What I really didn’t understand, though, was how, when Monday arrived, Shawna and Christopher had gotten back together.
Before you ask, no. I have literally no idea what Christopher said to get back in Shawna’s good graces, or how she justified the reconciliation, in her mind. Was there, perhaps, a perfectly reasonable explanation for why he had called her a porpoise seal?
Is there ever?
Thinking back on it, as an adult, my assumption is that their reunion was just about as legitimate as their relationship itself ever was — that is, not at all. Delusion, or delulu, as the kids call it, runs strong in the middle school dating scene. We all know it’s more about saying you have a boyfriend than anything else, so who really cares if your boyfriend calls you a porpoise seal, so long as he still watches Glee with you, and pays for your dates at Bertucci’s? A girl’s gotta eat. And, a girl’s gotta gossip about something.
As for me, eighth grade was my last rodeo with the Weymouth, Massachusetts, public school system. I started at Boston College High School, in Dorchester, Massachusetts, for ninth grade.
But, eighth grade wasn’t the last time I got to see Shawna Moody.
Partway through my freshman year at BC High, I got a job as a cashier and bag boy at Shaw’s Supermarket, in Weymouth, Massachusetts. And, a few months later, none other than Shawna Moody got hired to work there, too.
Another one of my ex-classmates, Emily Anderson, worked at Shaw’s, too, as my front-end supervisor. She was friends with Shawna, and told Shawna that I had said she wore too much makeup (which she did). After Shawna and I discussed that and cleared that little hurdle, we became real friends, at last.
Now, Shawna gossiped with me. We speculated on how much dick Christopher was probably sucking this year, at Weymouth High School. (I remained firmly closeted, myself.) And, I told her about how much I had loved her iconic signature, back at ol’ Abigail Adams Intermediate School.
She even drew one, just for me.
I still have it, to this very day. ♦